Done hiding

Over the last days something’s been cooking here. It’s been going on for some time now in different forms, shapes and words. But with my bike getting stolen in the middle of Covent Garden last Saturday afternoon it popped to another level.

To begin with, I would have refused to acknowledge the reality of the situation if they wouldn’t have left the cut cables which made the fact painfully clear in the very instant of our return. Retrospectively the following moments in slow motion revealed: At first there was a shock, disbelieve that “somebody would really do this”. Then pain, heartbreak over the loss. The thought of “they might have done it for some reason” popped up. Eventually rage flashed. At this point manipulation and control kicked in to calm the situation and avoid an irrational outburst in the middle of the street. I watched myself picking up the remains and making my way to the tube, silently and boiling on the inside. The body was shaking but numbed to what was really going on and busy with the little voice in the head feeding stuff about this all being no big deal. 

Completely remote controlled I arrived at the station and stumbled into the train. The brain started replaying the situation, I felt nauseous. I couldn’t believe this was all about a bicycle! How ridiculous. Ok, it was a really fancy full-suspension super duper thing but strangely enough the physical loss felt pretty ok. It was the emotional attachment which really hit me. My eyes filled with tears and the sickness changed into a burning in my belly.

Suddenly I had a sense that this might not be sadness but rather struggle with anger. This struck a chord. Why anger, you may ask. Well, since this is all about honesty I need to add that after the first shock had faded, it was quite obvious that there was no one else to blame but my very own beautiful self for not locking the bicycle properly. As simple as that. I felt embarrassed and angry for having been so frowsy when locking it (although I had an intuition earlier). The moment the misery was born. The more I tried pushing the anger away the more consuming it became. Missing to own the fact and looking into what made me feel so uncomfortable resulted in the diversion of anger by dumping everything on the thieves. This was completely out of proportion. There was no compassion for anyone, not for myself and not for the perpetrators, no love and no caring. It felt good to finally admit it. Boy, was I angry! I felt ashamed to be seen in this irresponsible and unloving behaviour.

After ploughing through all the stuff I hit what felt the bottom truth. Simple fear of not being loved if I would have admitted my “failure”; the very moment I connected with this my heart opened and I realised that all that had been going on was ultimately me not loving myself. The terror stopped immediately and I felt in peace. I woke up to how deeply identified I had become with “me”, indulging in a labyrinth of self-pity stories, cause and effect, victimhood and complaint.

When I got of the tube the debris and effects of inner turmoil still felt tangible. I felt shaken by what I had been putting out into the field. I felt for those guys who had stolen the bike. And, it was totally ok for them to have it as they obviously needed it more than me.

Well, those are all very human feelings you might say, and yes on one level I agree. Yet I feel deeply touched by the potential to move beyond the reaction of basic human survival mechanism into expansiveness. For I have a sense that this is an whole other level of being a-life all together.

With the “tube-revelation” it seems I’ve yet come to see another layer of truth in here. Although I would say I am an honest person, the subtle hiding seems vast from what I can see now. Looking at how I’ve been interacting just the past couple days made me realise this over and over again. Mostly it’s a split second or subtle degree or slight convenience skipping over flashes of whatever discomfort I might experience or feel in response to someone or something else.

I am left feeling humbled and deeply grateful for this eye-opener. There’s more understanding of how everything is always affecting everything. It is about purity and transparency because it’s there anyway. I’m excited and ready to step into the whole inconvenient truth. I’m done hiding.