Lies, anger, hurt and heart opening

Over the past days I’ve been on quite a journey. I’m endlessly grateful for and deeply humbled by my experiences. I touched upon something very deep in my core, and got to see and feel the addiction and identification with it, the attachment to this story, the power of thoughts and beliefs, the roots of war. It’s humbling and amazing to learn once again how deep and far some triggers can go. It feels like I can suddenly see my life story! What a blessing and relief to see.

Deep down I totally believed that “I was lied to”. A powerful source that fuelled behaviour as a victim, and reacting righteously angry in hurt and defence. Although this is certainly not all I am, I came to see this deep underlying survival pattern that has been driving most of my actions and thinking in subtle and sometimes quite obvious ways. Taking responsibility for the behaviour whenever I was aware of it only goes so far, I now realise, because without realising the root it still remains some sort of “damage management”. So much fear, shame, guilt and embarrassment for it all being that way. Attempting to become the super human being, the one that is clear of any “failed” behaviour, I put enormous pressure and demand on myself – and others. I didn’t realise until now that in truth I have been in denial, hiding and managing the victim and fighter, creating ever more pain.

It’s all here now. More keeps coming. Waves of massive fear, pain, love, compassion and peace. More story unravelling, sometimes I have visual flashes of things that happened in my life that created and fuelled this story. Chunks are breaking off my chest. It feels like the rug was pulled under my feet. Falling in this unknown space feels scary, but more exciting. I trust life. I don’t know how to be and don’t feel I need to know, I just am. It’s such a relief to let go and surrender. I am fulfilled with enormous gratitude and appreciation of what is happening. I notice new responses, quite a surprise at times. Another layer, another level. Welcoming the next one…

Today this newsletter from Gangaji arrived in my inbox. I was touched by her wonderful words that I can relate to so much.

Letting the world into your heart

When you think you cannot let the world in because it is so full of heartbreak, you underestimate yourself. You think, “I can’t let any more in,” because you feel like you are breaking apart. If you don’t follow that thought, can you simply allow your heart to let it all in? Not just the current disasters, but the disasters throughout time; not just the external disasters, but the internal disasters of your own life, your neighbor’s life, your friend’s life. Just really open the heart with no resistance.

That is the letting and the facing that I speak about. When you surrender to the pain, the heart does break, and there is profound grief. In the willingness for the heart to break, separation breaks also. Unless we resist or indulge it, the concept of separation disintegrates.

I am speaking of a very sober, still opening. I am suggesting that you just let it come in, and let it come in, and let it come in. Then there is a discovery that the heart breaks totally, forever open. This is possible for everyone. And all that keeps us from that is the thought, “I can’t do this.”

3 Responses

Elyse says on July 15, 2010 at 1:36 pm

so true.

Bmoney says on April 15, 2010 at 6:08 am

word, sister
I feel you

spiritchild says on April 11, 2010 at 8:10 am

dear Veronika
i am
feeling that your post reaches something essential,
which many experience,
but few dare to admitt.
thank you & kind regards