Deep down I totally believed that “I was lied to”. A powerful source that fuelled behaviour as a victim, and reacting righteously angry in hurt and defence. Although this is certainly not all I am, I came to see this deep underlying survival pattern that has been driving most of my actions and thinking in subtle and sometimes quite obvious ways. Taking responsibility for the behaviour whenever I was aware of it only goes so far, I now realise, because without realising the root it still remains some sort of “damage management”. So much fear, shame, guilt and embarrassment for it all being that way. Attempting to become the super human being, the one that is clear of any “failed” behaviour, I put enormous pressure and demand on myself – and others. I didn’t realise until now that in truth I have been in denial, hiding and managing the victim and fighter, creating ever more pain.

It’s all here now. More keeps coming. Waves of massive fear, pain, love, compassion and peace. More story unravelling, sometimes I have visual flashes of things that happened in my life that created and fuelled this story. Chunks are breaking off my chest. It feels like the rug was pulled under my feet. Falling in this unknown space feels scary, but more exciting. I trust life. I don’t know how to be and don’t feel I need to know, I just am. It’s such a relief to let go and surrender. I am fulfilled with enormous gratitude and appreciation of what is happening. I notice new responses, quite a surprise at times. Another layer, another level. Welcoming the next one…

Today this newsletter from Gangaji arrived in my inbox. I was touched by her wonderful words that I can relate to so much.

Letting the world into your heart

When you think you cannot let the world in because it is so full of heartbreak, you underestimate yourself. You think, “I can’t let any more in,” because you feel like you are breaking apart. If you don’t follow that thought, can you simply allow your heart to let it all in? Not just the current disasters, but the disasters throughout time; not just the external disasters, but the internal disasters of your own life, your neighbor’s life, your friend’s life. Just really open the heart with no resistance.

That is the letting and the facing that I speak about. When you surrender to the pain, the heart does break, and there is profound grief. In the willingness for the heart to break, separation breaks also. Unless we resist or indulge it, the concept of separation disintegrates.

I am speaking of a very sober, still opening. I am suggesting that you just let it come in, and let it come in, and let it come in. Then there is a discovery that the heart breaks totally, forever open. This is possible for everyone. And all that keeps us from that is the thought, “I can’t do this.”

It’s such an easy thing to feel touched by what I read in the newspapers, then make a donation, write a few emails to friends encouraging them to do so too, and yet turn away without really taking it in – all the way.

I have spent hours watching, reading and researching about the Haiti earthquake. Then, I came across this article from Katie Couric “The Human Face of Haitian Tragedy” on the Huffington Post. As if her writing wasn’t touching enough, I went on watching her experience with Pierre Larousse in the video at the bottom of the article. I felt heart broken witnessing this human tragedy, tears kept poring. Seeing my fellow brothers and sisters in agony and fear, fighting for their lives triggered a wave of panic and helplessness in me.

Suddenly I was holding Haiti in my heart. The thousands of people who died or suffer from injury, those who lost their beloveds, the torn apart families. The devastated land, the crashed economy. The shock wave in the hearts of those people, and the overwhelm of the international community witnessing this drama.

I am moved and unable to turn away. I am overwhelmed and yet I am compelled to embrace the overwhelm. So much of my body and my mind wants to shut down and turn away from the pain but my heart continues to open to it whatever the consequences.

Saying yes to life in every moment is embracing everything, the ecstasy and the tragedy.

My heart is bearing witness.

I love this inspiring talk. Zander is radiating and alive, simply wonderful! Just finished watching it with my 13 year old son who is learning to play the bass guitar. He was touched, and I watched him swinging with the music.

I remember writing the first comment somewhere on the web. I felt a bit shy but excited enough to give it a go. Then one day I came across this blog software and loved the idea of many of us sharing on the web. The vision of creating a place for growth and awakening beyond the physical limitation of space moved me to create this website. It was not just another blog but rather a space where we can exchange what we find inspiring and share honestly and caring how this touches us. Realising this being also my call to take a serious step exposing myself I jumped into the cold water. Putting myself out this way  and not knowing who reads it and what might come back continues to be an exciting and edgy journey. First it felt scary, still I am feeling vulnerable. English not being my mother tongue, as you might have noticed, is on top of this an whole other subject. Although my inner dialogue is mostly in English there are still those some moments where I just can’t find the appropriate term or expression. Not much I can do about it but keep learning and sitting with the frustration when it comes up.

When I start writing I ask myself… What is the value? Is it a contribution that helps us all evolve? Is it an honest sharing or is this just me releasing stuff and taking ideas? Do I actually dare to be seen? Where am I coming from? What is it that I want with this article? Beautiful. I enjoy the ride. It feels liberating to see and simply allow the emotions, ideas and the censoring or editing temptation that comes up, and then go for it anyway.  I love sharing about what is dear to my heart. Writing on the web lifts everything into a bigger dimension. It feels empowering and exciting and almost always helps me get to know myself a bit better and see myself clearer.

Looking at the website today I would love for us to come closer together. So I am inviting everybody to share your feedback with us directly on the website. Unedited, just as it feels in the very moment that you read or watch or listen. Let’s hear your voices!

Oh, and if you rather not reveal your identity you can always post your comment anonymously. It will require your email address, but just to make sure you are a ‘real person’ and not a computer program spamming.

With a tingling feeling of excitement I’ll hit the “publish” button… now.

I am passionate about spirituality, self-discovery, inquiring within, the meaning of life, the nature of things, consciousness. I love it. I love talking about it. I love sharing it with other people. I love contemplating the Mystery. I feel very fortunate to have dear friends in my life who feel the same. Engaging in this journey with them is a joy. It is a major source of my own growth and development. We are all genuinely attempting to live our lives according to the honesty, acceptance, love and care we recognize is who we truly are. And if you ask me, it’s working!

But there is something more that I have been yearning to get out. I feel that what is alive in our group is unique. There is a particular kind of openness, an unconditional acceptance of each other, of people, of those parts of ourselves that we are scared to look at. For many years now I have been inviting various people to participate in what is happening here. Many people have come along, few have stayed. I think that is partly to do with the level of openness and vulnerability that is required just to be in a group of people willing to be that intimate with each other. But it is also to do with our inability to gradually introduce people in to the process.

I was disillusioned by this. I teach yoga. It seemed to me so natural for people interested in yoga to want to fearlessly explore and dare to live their highest potentials. This is not the case. I began to realize that most people are terrified of living. Most people are terrified of simply looking into the eyes of another without feeling embarrassed. I also eventually realized that I wasn’t very compassionate or understanding about that fact. It wasn’t until I began to feel a deep existential fear in my own life that I could have any understanding and empathy for the amount of fear most of us feel most of the time.

From a militant radicalism, (“be present or die!”) I turned in a different direction. For the last few years I have not been personally inviting very many people into our group, feeling disillusioned and resigned to the idea that it might be too intense.

Still, I yearn to connect with people, with as many people as possible as deeply as possible. I feel an enormous amount of love and respect for the folks who attend my yoga classes. We see each other so often and yet have this strange relationship where I don’t even know their names. I don’t have a clue as to who is inside that head when they start talking because we never get that far. We come to class, share this practice, breathing, moving, postures, inward looking, but very little of anything else. All the juicy humanity is missing from the exchange.

And now there is a way in. There is a way to make that connection in the context of acknowledging this deeper reality. The response has been wonderful. All of sudden I am inviting yoga student-friends to my home to sit in silence, contemplate and discuss consciousness. It is a dream come true. This part of me desperate to connect and share with as many people as possible as deeply as possible has an outlet. It is an intimate setting, our home. It feels like we are all experimenting with something new. This is exciting and alive. For me, I am still working out many things, a real beginner here, feeling my way intuitively with people and with my own deepening understanding. As a Ashtanga Yoga teacher I could call myself a master, a joy to be able to offer that practice to others but with very few surprises. I love being at the beginning, being creative, not knowing what I’m doing and going for it anyway.

I’ve come to appreciate their peculiar mannerism, and discovered mine. In expressing what was believed to be my uniqueness I recognise the obvious – adapted behaviour and ideas. A relief the judgement about this being bad or good has vanished, what is left is the space for this to be seen. Embracing this realisation feels expansive and connects to some deeper truth. A feeling of innocence.

Triggers feel softened and even fading, a liberating experience being in their presence. I feel gentle, spacious and inspired, blessed and humbled by their unconditional love. Tremendous gratitude for who they are and all that’s been given to me is ever persisting. All there really is, is just this magnificent deep connection that vibrates tenderly.  In the awareness of this essential truth everything else seems to dissolve. What a joy!

Last night I left with a familiar feeling that never gets old, heart wide open, alive, in love with the moment and the courageous and beautiful people who are willing to be seen in all their vulnerability. There were a couple of friends who were new and they dropped right in. The power of the presence of the group was evident and our new friends understood without words or explanation what we were about and what was being offered, a space to be aware, to be who we are, just as we are in each moment. I am feeling very grateful for our ongoing meetings in truth. A true adventure every time. It still keeps me on the edge of my seat. It continues to show me more and more of what it is like to really be a human being.

I am looking forward to the next segments of your replies

relationships and religion are such destructive forces on the planet, and, your expression and invitation to look beyond what we normally experience really resonates.

As you say, it might feel ‘normal’ to you, yet for most it is completely revolutionary!

And, it is one thing to ‘know’ all this and yet another to ‘live’ it in daily life!